Climbing Back To Grace

 

 Mastering The Art of Climbing Back to Grace

I was back in “phone mode” instead of meeting face to face with Dove and had been feeling “unplugged” the last day or two. I was feeling like a failure because I didn’t really know what to do about it, so this is what I told him:

JON:   I’m afraid that being plugged in is always going to be a struggle. The whole despair thing has left me in a place where I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get a vibrant life back. I’ve being going through “stuff” that I don’t need to indulge in right now, but what matters was that those things threw me off. By listing them on paper the pressure came off a little since I could see them out of me at least a little.

DOVE:  See if this makes sense. Falling out of center, or stepping out of a sense of union happens because there is a flash, a spark of emotion that has the essence of grief, a spontaneous grief. That threw you into a micro-mourning.

JON:  That is what it feels like, loss.

DOVE:  Mourning is triggered by loss; spontaneous subtle loss leads to spontaneous grief. It is such a subtle grief that it goes unnamed and grief especially gets relegated to a phantom realm as a subtle vapor of phantom grief. It lingers in the air and surrounds as a very primal soul level response to getting bumped out of grace. It is the same experience and echoes that of a little infant when the mother doesn’t come back fast enough. The little one cries and goes instantly into distress. It echoes the experience of that primal connection. The connection you experience now is the union with the supreme that you have been experiencing. Being plugged in and then not plugged in. So it is about mastering the art of getting back and climbing back into grace. Understanding it’s the “grief trigger,” knowing that’s what it is, the fact of it, lessens the distress. Identifying it is a key understanding of how the mechanism of the psyche works. It’s looking at the fine print of the instruction manual and seeing that it doesn’t require the distress that you are being cast out to the dark edge forever. It’s not necessary to elicit a response for a major tragedy…i.e. fight / flight response.

JON:   Thank you Dove. I feel like that is a new bottom line. Thank you. Another thing this week has been that I’m seeing others more for who they truly are. Like at poetry the other night I just saw Lynn for what she was underneath the facial expressions. I was seeing what she needed and without any judging. It was just matter of fact and I felt a true witnessing.

DOVE:  It’s all there, the truth is all there. Clairvoyance if put into its proper place is a normal part of the human potential. It’s not about making clairvoyance the goal. It’s just a fact of the witness, and it’s important to stay grounded so the ego doesn’t power trip. All the ego is, is insecurity with the need to compensate for all the times you felt powerless in the past, as if it is possible for the ego to do so. Insight is the result of grace and it’s nothing special in a sense, because it’s just there for those who bother to look.

JON:  The everyday challenge for me now is that I flip into the head and ego in this process of transformation.

DOVE:  Ego is like an anesthesia for old hurts and therefore it comes up. So ask – what pain is it covering? Did you trace back those feelings?

JON:  No, I just relieved the pressure by naming the feeling of the “phantom” energies.

DOVE:  It all comes down to the stress of not being enough and that is a heavy horrible consequence like not valued enough to keep around, or to be kept alive. This brings you back to the primal place as a little infant. If you get the impression that you might not be enough you go back to the existential panic (fear of death). One can think about the state of the little infant in the crib in sorting this thing out. The little infant has to con the mother to keep eye contact and if it breaks contact, the infant goes into stress. In their level of consciousness they are cast out of life – you can hear it in their wail. As adults it can be triggered easily, even the notion of it puts us there. Even as adults, if I conveyed to you that you were not valuable it would be like a stab in the heart and the threat of being cast out into darkness. Little Jon would think he was going to die.

JON:  I felt that. The mere notion of it, as you said it, activated me and I felt a pang.

DOVE:  At that moment when someone gets angry at you, they are projecting their own primal distress. They are afraid of dying and their way of handling it is to hand it off to you so they don’t have to feel it. Rather than going into panic at those times when you are triggered and your blood pressure rises, see that they are looking for a momentary relief and so externalize it. That way you can observe it and see it outside of yourself, as not you. It’s just that they are putting it on you as a “pretend proof” that it’s not them.

JON:   Then criticism and judgment are an energy transfer to another person to feel worse so you feel better.

DOVE:   The purpose of this understanding is to show that there is no mystery here. The truth is that someone else’s anger has nothing to do with you. So what are they asking for by being angry is to be witnessed. Therefore you can witness his distress. All any human being wants is to be witnessed. So when it’s happening in real time simply witness it and articulate how you see them. Psychiatrists use this technique all the time and say, “I see what you are saying…” Anger is just an externalized fear or panic.

JON:    So staying plugged in is an art and an ongoing one at that. It is a choice of a way of being and that’s what I need practice doing to maintain being plugged in. Is that it Dove?

DOVE:  The key point of the art is pre-emptive witnessing. So that before they take a breath to get angry, you can see this going on. That’s where insight is handy. On the subtle level they are going into distress. If you articulate it in advance and appropriately conjure the spirit of it then you are pre-emptively seeing them. When that happens their value is spontaneously confirmed and it flips off their panic switch. They will pick it up. People will feel naturally calm around you and there is no need to get agitated. All this happens before you even open your mouth. That can be what you do. It’s a choice and becomes a habit where the fact that you show up makes everything okay. You are already happy and are not a threat, which is their usual experience. In the world others may not have certainty about their value. Many live an ongoing panic as a stance and they are looking to purge.

JON:  Some people seem like they are not okay and some are tuned in and with it.

DOVE:   Everyone is fine, Jon and where you feel some are spiritual and some not, you are making yourself special and unplugging. Everyone is exactly where they need to be. There is no misstep and if there is a path, everyone is on it. That is the space I would choose. One could ask, “Am I less valuable when I’m asleep? If I am murdered in my sleep is it less of a crime?” People are choosing to have a sleep experience and for them there is “A joy of doing my work”

JON:   I am operating from acceptance more than ever before. I see the immediate effects with Angel, the jobsite foreman and with Lynn at Poetry, the other night. Really witnessing her instead of using my usual critical eye, made a warm connection that I could feel.

DOVE:   Ram Dass said, “You get that you have love for everybody.” Practically, to deal with it, you can’t just love everybody and use words reserved for a lover. Cultural aspects and peoples’ preconditioning does not allow for it. But, you can witness and exchange joy and the recognition of it.

JON:  Here is a poem I wrote on friendship two weeks ago:

Friendship is hard won
Between souls lost in the fear
That loneliness breeds.
 
Without friendship,
Souls grow shells that crack at each other
With the hammers of words and the vices of vacant eyes.
 
Such is the world of wills – defended.
Yet souls lie choking in sweat,
Beneath their armor-that has blocked the breezes of joy.
 
Somehow, in all of this,
Friendship survives-if only in flashing moments
When one eye meets another.
 
A whole story can get told in a glance
By hinting of some sleeping giant below.
And sometimes, somehow, there is a twist
 
Where friendship can arise gently
On its own, as a welcome breeze
Beyond the heated plains of living.
 
It’s unassuming course more powerful,
More certain, than wills reaching for power.
It can lift me to more, than who I was.
 
All in a glance, without notice
A truth can sparkle,
And armor dissolve.

DOVE:   That was profound, wonderful. Could it be that in poetry, you are consulting with Future John, soliciting him for inspiration.

JON:  Exactly so, in poetry I’m showing myself to myself and I feel deeply valuable when I do. It is a reaching for myself like throwing a climbers hook up to the next ragged ledge. I usually write from the edge, from what courses through me in the moment, and the words lead me into new territory.

DOVE:  You are engaging in the process of self-witnessing, birthing yourself into yourself. I am just a cheerleader, a midwife to assist you to be spiritually birthed into your own life. There is a sublime art of being in the world and once again, you are on track even when you fear you are not. When you look at it you have never made a mistake and you are moving into the future knowing that all has meaning!

JON:  I wanted to ask about reading authors on this stuff. It feels like I go off my own track into their systematic explanations which seems like it dilutes my natural unfoldment by being too mental. At the same time it can feel very clarifying and supportive and settling that I am definitely on course. It’s kind of like doing due diligence and making sure I’m not fooling myself.

DOVE:  You may be going beyond the ones you are reading

JON:  Yes, sometimes it feels that way

DOVE:  It’s more about you making acquaintance with Future Jon. Who is the expert on Jon? Who is the actual authority? There can be value in everything to a point.  There is value in ritual and a point where you step beyond ritual. Others may need a spiritual ritual and that is good because it supports them. There is a point where one tries to transcend that and once again you know that “you are fine.”

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