Relaxed In The World

 

Engaging The Ordinary Without Compromising  Myself

It was the day before Christmas Eve and I had spent a hang out day with Dove going all over San Diego from Balboa Park to The Timken Museum and to a mall downtown called Horton Plaza. It felt like I was embarking on a special guided tour of the everyday world. At the end of the day I jotted down some notes to remind me of the highlights and am presenting a brief account below as I recall it.  After we got to Balboa Park I started telling Dove what I was experiencing:

JON:  I keep noticing people and see how individuals or small family groups are in a kind of separate space and I sense a palpable sort of bubble around them. They are really in their own little world doing their own thing.

DOVE:  Yes, exactly so. People are involved in their circumstances and many need to be in order to function. You are seeing things as they are Jon.

JON:  I would like to be able to non- intrusively touch into their bubble and not lose my place of seeing them.  Put another way, I would like to see them and experience more of them at the same time. It seems that when I start engaging through talking or whatever the bubble pops and I lose my center and seeing ability or maybe I’m sucked into their bubble. I just don’t know.

We left it at that as I remember, and continued to the Timken museum. I was noticing more because I was with Dove and not being opinionated. I was aware that I could move easily into just being myself, saying things and listening to Dove about different art pieces. I was just being myself in the art gallery having reflections and not having to intellectualize the whole thing or say much. We went back to the the truck and drove downtown to Horton Plaza. On the way I asked him questions.

JON:  Dove, what is laughter?

DOVE:  It is a natural occurrence when you step beyond what you are in. It is seeing everyone being so serious about this and that, and being deluded by their own story or someone else’s, that they have endorsed as their own.

JON:  What is anxiety?

DOVE:  It is fear feeding fear which escalates to a higher vibration and can become panic. People die of panic attacks.

JON:  How do you avoid it?

DOVE:  Staying centered is about getting back to center and it is a skill. It is in our language in the words re-deem, re-member, re-act, re-cognize, re-mind. It is worth developing the skill because the center is a way better place to be.

By the time we arrived at Horton Plaza I was feeling the experience of staying with each event more: getting the elevator; choosing food; talking about cultural movements over lunch. I was being with everything more fully. The whole day was like a discovery trip into how to walk in the world and not lose center. That said, it was a very new experience to sustain attention to such a degree. I was not familiar to me. It was a discovery trip and I felt young.  After the trip around San Diego with Dove I was starting to see how I could be experiencing things, contrasted the usual daily experience I am in. It felt like a difference between culture and nature. I used to feel that when I was a kid and I would come back to the city after spending summers in the northern Ontario wilderness.  That was what happened on the hangout day.

A week earlier, I had spent Christmas with a group of people that were very kind but were engaged in chatter all night long. I watched and observed every one of them, but was not interested in falling into chatter. I enjoyed just watching and seeing the whole thing unfold like a stage play. I chimed in from time to time to be social and to not stick out. Nobody seemed to notice I was there. By the end of the evening when everyone was saying good bye I had the experience that nobody had actually arrived yet. I was bursting at the seams to tell Dove all about it:

DOVE:  How are you. What’s going on?

JON:  Well, I’m all over the place shifting between realities and it’s amazing. Monday I experienced something entirely new in my life and it was around something as ordinary as hanging out with some people on Christmas.

DOVE:  I would like to suggest it was like an epiphany.

JON:  Yes, and a certain kind. Epiphanies come at different levels of intensity. I remember in 1995 when my dear friend Jane from NYC talked about epiphanies like a synonym for an awareness. After my near-death experience which had divided my life in two, I understood  “epiphany” as directly experiencing that there was in fact life after death! That was an epiphany of a different order because it changed everything, my entire reality structure and psyche was at a pivot point in my life. So, this experience on Monday was at an intensity best described as vast and at the same time totally and completely grounded in my ordinary life, hanging out with some people at Christmas. I was intensely clear that life here was a rare gift not to be idly wasted and asked seriously “what was I doing with my life?” for the balance of my time here on earth. I felt enlivened and elated and the clarity lasted for 5 hours or more while I was with these people. It was clear to me that there is a course adjustment for the rest of my life. It’s like I finally experienced the value of living in my own life in a full bodied everyday way. Dove, it came upon me and I was not searching for it. The message that came through was about the value of being awake before I die. It was the kind of awareness one has on their deathbed or if desperately ill and feeling close to death. The specific learning was that the experience of being fully engaged in life with all cylinders pumping had a foundation that was primarily of a vibrational nature. The clarity in those 5 hours was 100% pure. I have never been so clear and grounded at the same time. I felt completely natural, comfortable with myself, enlivened and free.

DOVE:  I would like to suggest that it was an aspect of you

JON:  Like the future John?

DOVE:  Yes. From another angle it is your destiny to be awake in this life. You simply reached a milestone. It was an appointment kept with your future, hence the destiny aspect.

JON:  It felt like a personal identification with source.

DOVE:  A piece of it was your flickering inner flame that is latent and had its own time to surface. It is the stuff of life. You had to work through what you had to work through so that you maintained a constancy of connection.

JON:  A constancy which would sustain me in the ups and downs through hope and courage. The divine value of the experience has left me enlivened with hope and desire and courage. I feel like celebrating, like I have hit a milestone or rather a milestone showed up.

DOVE:  It is the universal center within you. You embodied a piece of it, and there is more.  It is the flickering flame within you. The more you embody it, the more you and source become indistinguishable.

JON:  Yes, like on Monday, for a long brief experience of 4 or 5 hours. The universe is giving me the experience that I can be here by choice and not just fall in and out by luck.

DOVE:  Remember the “Mastery of The Heart” workshop and the reading I gave you. You were a baby crawling into your own heart. So, you actualized that “psychic impression.”

JON:  It felt like it came “out-of-the-blue”.

DOVE:  That goes to another idea which is an important one in spirituality. What you experienced was a state of grace. Grace is a feeling of unearned favor from the universe. You couldn’t have planned it or have mapped it out on your own. Like a divine blessing, the essence of epiphany delight happens when you begin to master the art of allowing. Then the true nature of the universe becomes more present and its true nature is love and acceptance. It is a fall into grace and it is part of playing the “catch me” game where you let go and are caught in the arms of grace. That’s why we are programmed to play the game, to get to know the universe. It overwhelms the psychic immune system and eventually you can become okay with falling. You have tested the universe enough to know its true nature and you can naturally fall into grace. There is a realization that your own sense of ego identity seamlessly melds into universal identity.

JON:  That explains why I felt so utterly grounded in such an intensely revelatory experience. So, Christmas day there was a lot going on.

DOVE:  For you it was a day of taking inventory, watching and paying attention to reactions and responses. The idea of having such an opportunity to have a choice between being so enfranchised in something like culture that it compromised your identity, is something I  never had the opportunity of being invited into. To choose between compromising my true self and engaging in the mainstream is something I didn’t see as a choice. My circumstances forced me to profoundly identify as myself. The option would have been to die, which was the gift I received. The real gift is knowing in your bones that the other way does not work, and indeed a “metaphysical certitude that it does not work.”

JON:  That is what I experienced on Monday.

DOVE:  The universe made it that vivid for you.

JON:  Like God playing peek-a-boo.

DOVE:  Yes, a game putting out possibilities of connection and so on. On Christmas day you perceived the wreckage amongst other things. The truth, strength and efficacy of the work you’ve been doing asserted itself, proved itself. On Christmas many different people are engaging in truth and it paid off for you. You didn’t devise the experience you had on Monday. The universe will not be mocked of fooled.

JON:  Dove, there’s something else, to shift topics for a moment. What about “healer’s loneliness?”

DOVE:  You are experiencing the uniqueness of your position and longing to share it. It is part of natural compassion to share, to connect, and have belonging. Fellowship, identification and a mirroring reinforce certainty. The world we find ourselves in has a lot of power because there is so much agreement. So there is longing and missing being steeped in agreement and that you associate with the Old World. So Jon, there is an art to experiencing the truth of one’s own being without the accompanying agreement of others. Can your truth be sovereign without other human beings? On days like Christmas when reality structures change, the immune system gets triggered.  Hence there was alot of reactivity and psychic screams. Longing for affirmation just goes with the territory of being human. We are social beings so it’s just realizing that.

JON:  And that there is something much bigger than that.

DOVE:  Yes.  It’s like the coffee table that the toddler is holding on to before it lets goes in learning to take a step. The coffee table is the collective agreement. At Christmas you saw the collective agreement that presents and compounds absurdity. You were trying to make the coffee table bigger so you can go out there and still have the coffee table. You needed to see how at every turn it was just not going to happen. You wanted to invite them in to a reality they were not ready for or wanting at that time. You got to see where they and you were at in order to experience re-orientation. You understood on a primal level that your reality structure could exist beyond the consensus of others.

JON:  That explains how I felt acutely aware of the difference and uniqueness of each one of them at a new level of clarity. Yes, that is so important.  I felt safe enough to keep my eyes open and to not be peeking at the world from beneath the covers of my own story or my own con.

DOVE:  You were uncoupling your truth from the consensus of others. That emotional sense of safety takes us back to the primal where we are trying to con our mothers so we don’t die. There are deep impulses when one is in the mode of waking up and the deep conditioning we have been in comes forward.

JON:   People are deeply conditioned. So much so that they will do what they are told by anyone who feels like an authority or embodies a feeling of confidence. People are basically lost and long for a sense of confidence and authority within themselves and mistake it for something outside them.

DOVE:  I would like to suggest another dimension. Humans are basically good and they have a “desire to please,” like the universe. That gets taken advantage of through compliancy by those who have no perspective. Compassion needs to be balanced with wisdom to be more effective. People tend to sell themselves out with “misapplied compassion” or “compassion without wisdom”. On Christmas there was a loss of a sense of your old self and also a sense of mourning. That sense, if not conscious, goes to an unconscious place and becomes phantom mourning. It can become a “disillusionment” which is debilitating and a “not knowing why.” It carries a feeling of loneliness and isolation, as the sadness of the old identity dying. Therefore it is necessary to get to a position of surrender of the old sense of place. Jon, people make their choices. As you encounter people where they are at, you integrate your truth and your truth becomes more reinforced.  It is also very telling to realize where they don’t go and to see their avoidance as telling.

JON:   So this feels like a way to comport myself, that is, to get more together as who I am.

DOVE:  Christmas kicked the legs out from under you and your orientation went higher to truth at a higher octave.

JON:  That’s exactly how it felt. It was a higher purity or “proof”.

DOVE:  It was refined and closer to source

JON:  So I have one last question. Where do I go from here?

DOVE:  So, you are experiencing yourself in your own life, learning how to serve by facilitating orientation rather than to be a source of disorientation and scatteredness.  By observing as you did on Christmas, the very stuff of your life teaches you and is the trajectory of orientation. The more you encounter the more it reinforces orientation. In other words, all things lead to grace, which is seemingly unearned favors from the universe. With humans there is a ping-ponging back and forth. You can map it out. There is conscious disorientation such as getting into addictions and playing. There is conscious orientation which is mastery. There is unconscious orientation which doesn’t work by your own choice. There is unconscious disorientation which is Hell.

DOVE:  You’ve stepped up in being conscious today from Christmas five days ago.

JON:  What about judgment? I can’t seem to shake it.

DOVE:  It is a habit humans use to keep safe. It reinforces a certain reality structure. It is the testing of a new reality structure in a back-handed sort of way, in order to test the efficacy of the new one. It is just a natural process.

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