A Banquet Of Consciousness

 

Consciousness is where you are, not a destination

 

I picked Dove up at the usual place on the corner under the big arching Normal Heights sign. We drove to the park and walked across the rolling grass to the picnic table at the edge of the canyon. Coming here felt like a rich combination of being home and being in the world all at once. These were very special days for me, magical days, like a resting place after a very long journey. Looking back now, I’m sure he saw it on my face. This is what he said to me:

DOVE:   What’s new in your reality, Jon?

JON:   My whole week has been about integrating, starting with our hanging out day on Monday. It was a new experience of relaxation. There was no fear being with you and it was unfamiliar at the same time. It was like when on a first date I didn’t know what to do and expect. I felt awkward.

DOVE:   The focus on Monday was a sublime integration of the extraordinary into ordinary circumstances. They coexisted.

JON:   It was a light, open and positive feeling.

DOVE:   It was the space of play, union and connection.

JON:   Something else – remember that man on the bridge walking, looking like a big, fat, baby dressed in diapers. Well this description sounds judgmental and at the time I felt my critical voice, my judgmental voice coming up. It felt so out of keeping to an open acceptance and the space of play I was in with you. In fact my negative response pulled me out of the good space.

DOVE:   The thought was like a fear that goes back to early development where survival equated with fitting in and “being acceptable.” These things get locked in through developmental stages and so when we see something not acceptable, it triggers a fear and we are reminded.

JON:  Monday felt like the first day of kindergarten, as if I was on training wheels, not trying to “run the show.” It was more like watching you and learning how to just be. I was open and discovering. It all felt fresh and experimental.  So, Monday impacted me through the week in a number of ways. First, when Jenny returned from NYC it was a shift in my private space which I had enjoyed for a few weeks. Although I was also ready for her to be back, we had rough waters and some arguing and negativity. When I woke up in the morning the emotional junk was outside of me and I was bigger than it. It felt like a trickle down from Monday with you, in that I was in 2 worlds at once. It was an experience in itself where there was a separate “I” available to deal with “it,” the emotional junk. I literally woke up to myself, to a self separate seeing my emotion.

DOVE:   Conflicts are driven by unconsciousness. As one becomes more conscious, ultra awake, there is literally less unconsciousness.

JON:   So, I know this relates to the integration of Monday and to the “St. Francis” experience I had a month ago. It’s all connected. The “St. Francis” event was a peak experience which oriented me to a bigger parallel reality. I am still processing or integrating it, or better said, it is entering into me. I realize something is trickling into my ordinary experience. I am not running the drip but I am discovering it and reflecting a lot.

DOVE:   Reflection is how you digest.

JON:   So that explains my reflection on my “St. Francis” experience as well as on Gangagi. Watching and listening to Gangagi was like “comparing notes.” It relaxed me, and I was aware that too much listening to her was taking me off my own discovery. There is a balance that I’m finding around reading and in listening to others. I am sensing when I stop feeling like myself, and it’s time to take a break. Maybe at those times the reading and their mindset starts trickling into me and takes over.

DOVE:   On Monday what you experienced was my being and my witnessing in a more pure form, the great witness. The effect of a witness, the actual effect of witnessing, is that it actually burns off Karma, evaporates Karma. Karma is energy that needs to resolve itself. When you experience yourself as not investing yourself in it anymore whatsoever, then you watch it evaporate. Karma in a general sense or seeing the evidence of karma in front of you, is when you are in the ultra conscious model. When you were in your “St. Francis” moment, that open state, you expelled the old experience you had as a 3 year old and all the emotion around it. You were spent, just like when you were actually 3 years old, and you were collapsing time. That is the same as dispelling Karma and then stepping in a new direction. The drama of Karma is dissolved and time and space collapses.

JON:   So, I felt profoundly connected and returned to a magically dynamic world.

DOVE:   Basically it is the habit of falling into that mode of eliminating karma. You habitually ease tension (eliminate karma and collapse time). You subjectively experienced it as integration. On Monday, our first “hanging out day” made that mode of union-connection ordinary; made it “unremarkable”. That is necessary so that this mode becomes a habit. It becomes an ordinary, subjective and easy harmonious experience.

JON:   Dove, I feel I need to articulate my “St. Francis” experience. I have been holding it deep inside, reflecting on it a lot. It is integrating into my life both through my reflection and on its own, like I said earlier, a trickle down effect. There is more to understand, like my near-death experience 20 years ago. After all these years I continue to fill in the pieces and I’m still trying to understand parts of it. So, when you suggested to me that the 3 year old experience of the darkness when I cried myself completely out, was not a dark Lucifer force that I believed invaded me, my experience of reality changed. I was left gazing off into the distance, searching for an orientation and simultaneously I became aware of a subtle entity, like a whisper, behind me. My attention went to it. It felt like something solid, something new about to show itself, like a knock on the door but more like a rustling. It didn’t my demand attention, it just caught my awareness and then I chose to put my attention on it because it felt like something to hold on to. This all occurred in a seemingly unremarkable kind of way. I was still looking outwards in inquiry, and my attention was now in 2 places at once. There arose in my physical vision, waves of energy through the air, like when heat rises off the land on a very hot day where you can see the wafting heat. I was aware that this energy was running everywhere, like I was in an ocean and the energy was bursting through a squirrel and squirrel took on a magnificence, a royal kind of elegance. I was aware of the squirrel in a new way and we shared something. There was a momentary mutual recognition. It saw me and I saw it; there was a full intelligence there to meet me. It was like the squirrel was just in a squirrel suit. I sensed and I felt energy emanating from the tree too. Also, the small 3 year old boy on the tricycle that was circling Michael and I throughout the experience, looked at me so lovingly. I was seeing everything, and all the energy. I was part of it all. I was a living part of a vibrating nature that had always been there. It was timeless. At the same time, I was watching it all and my feet were fully on the ground as I walked around a little. This was no illusion. I was an awareness watching myself, watching it all. A few days later it occurred to me that the subtle energy I had sensed, the one that was somehow “behind me”, was perhaps part of me. I am a consciousness that witnesses; it was some ultra consciousness. The ‘who I am’ is an intelligence, that can see all because it and I are a part of all. I am part of the energy watching the physical and so was the squirrel and so were the trees. We are all living. What a trip, Dove, and all because your words and your timing and your witnessing and great heart and the deep bottomless trust I hold for you. And so I’m wondering about awareness modes and how I seem to move between them and how they work together like a gradient.

DOVE:   They are connected. The ultra-connected is when you are awareness and an awareness watching awareness. That is often experienced in nature and you witness the magnificence of life and how you are part of it. There is sacred awareness when you are watching and seeing discrete things as entities in own right and sense that there is something bigger going on but feel separate and not in nature. There is objective awareness like a scientist that sees things only as physical which is like ordinary awareness. Then there is autonomic awareness which is like oblivion, where you don’t even see things, and you experience a kind of isolation like sleep, and there is a function to it also. It’s interesting that we always meet under the Normal Heights sign, like making the “heights” normal. Language contains a lot of hidden meaning. The way you experience things is a result of habit. In your pan-ultimate “St. Francis” experience you stepped into it and you could accept it as yours and therefore it was yours and is naturally available.

JON:   Therefore it was a choice. Yes, it was and your witnessing opened the door.

DOVE: The process of reflection is the method of paying attention and it grows. Everything you need for pan-ultimate enlightenment is right within reach. And it is a matter of “how much can you say yes to?” Looking around and seeing what is, the next step becomes self-evident. What we talk about is what is already on the plate. The wonder is always unfolding and all we do is show up.

JON:   Up until now the game with God has been ‘peek-a-boo’ and high awareness sometimes pops in like the “St. Francis” experience. But the game is changing as I start to walk on my own towards it. Now I’m leaving safety and it feels like “catch me” is the game now, like is it safe to let go? This time it is playing with God, the biggest game in town. As a child I had bad experiences of playing “catch me” with adults who couldn’t really play the game of being there to “catch me” when I let go. All I saw from them was fear in their eyes or behavior. So I didn’t trust the game. And they were like God and it feels just as scary now. The difference is you are here, Dove, unbelievably here.

DOVE:  Fear is a “paper tiger” – one of adults projecting a look of uncertainty. Hence there is a need of running experiments for yourself, Jon. Don’t use the “f” word, faith. “Take it on faith” means “don’t think about it”…this is abuse. Run experiments, Jon! There is a process of developing certainty. You have to run the experiments and are obliged to be an expert scientist. Adopt the stance of paying close attention and be obliged to step into the stance of witness mode. You can cultivate and build up certainty, so you see will it works everywhere. Realized means “I see that”. When you have a role in being “self-realized” you see that you are an awareness watching yourself. Test everything and be in the habit of paying attention. This will develop curiosity, which is an impulse and a delight in being a witness.

JON:   In the “St. Francis” experience I took charge of my consciousness in a life changing way I will never forget. I noticed my nature, the energy soup, my subtle body, and chose to pay attention to it and moved right into the “field” freely and with my feet on the ground.

DOVE:   I have cultivated paying attention and am always disposed to it. I live an examined life and I grew up having space to run experiments and had nurturing around it.  I have cultivated the “cushion” to have the mental space that maintains the childhood sense of wonder. I know adulthood is a scam.

JON:   On Monday when I said ‘it felt like a first date’ it was a big deal because I allowed myself to feel awkward in a truth which was being “bigger than my anxiety”. Speaking up validated the truth that I am bigger than my fears and I felt safe to run that test with you on that level.

DOVE:   You witnessed how I was able to take away the awkward feeling, like an Aikido move. I transformed it out of an awkward feeling moment and that was an example of being able to discharge Karma. Lunch on Monday, then, was discovering a banquet of consciousness

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